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GMCSierraFan 03-21-2009 09:14 AM

Post any good jokes here, but make sure they are funny!

EvansBlue 04-12-2009 10:33 AM

A Japanese family just arrived in the United states and stays at a moderate hotel in New York. As they ride up the elevator to their suite, a gentleman gets in at the next floor.
Stunned by the beauty of the Japanese daughter, the man tries to communicate with her, only to find she speaks no English. Undeterred, the man asks the father if he could take his daughter to dinner. Having some English experience from his many business trips to the states, the father communicates to the daughter and dinner plans are made.
After dinner, they head up to his suite. Well, one thing leads to another and as he starts going at it she starts moaning "Oshima!". Believing this must mean she's getting into it, he thrusts harder and harder and she is screaming "Oshima!, Oshima!!".
The next morning, the gentleman invites the father to a round of golf, knowing how much the Japanese love the sport. On the first hole, the father tees up, and nails a hole in one. Thinking quickly, the gentleman yells out "Oshima!!".
The father, with a complexed look, turns to the man and says...

"What the hell do you mean wrong hole?!"

EvansBlue 04-14-2009 09:39 PM

Santa is such an asshole.
This past Christmas I asked him for a Hummer with lots of chrome. Christmas morning I woke up find a crack whore with braces sitting on the hearth with a bow on her head.


EvansBlue 04-14-2009 10:41 PM

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you werent sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The mans brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess its possible he could be out there practicing law

Pelicandivebomb 04-15-2009 02:20 PM

In the beginning it was God and Adam and God knew that man shouldn't be alone so He decided to talk to Adam about this great idea. This is the conversation...

God: Hey Adam my only human, hows it goin?

Adam: Good I guess.

God: I've got this great idea and I want to give you a wife. This woman will do everything for you. She will clean, she will fix all your meals just the way you want them, she will give you pleasure anytime you want and will never nag, groan, or just make any negative comments whatsoever. What do you think?

Adam: Sounds awesome! Is there anything you need from me?

God: Well it will cost you an arm, an ear, a leg, and 5 ribs.

Adam: Gee, well she did sound pretty great but uh what can I get with just giving you 1 rib?

And then life with women began.

EvansBlue 04-15-2009 07:27 PM

hahahah :D LOL

EvansBlue 04-22-2009 11:54 PM

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said, "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four.
We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike.
Right now, he can't do none of those'.

Pelicandivebomb 04-30-2009 01:14 PM

lol those both crack me up.

cletus 05-17-2009 03:35 PM

An 18 year old boy and his grandfather are goin fishing,on the way to the fishing hole they stop at a store the old man buys a pack of smokes and a six pack of beer. When the old man pops the top on his first beer the boy asks ,hey grandad can I have one of those?The old man replies does your prick touch your ass? The boy says no sir, well then there is your answer says the old man. When the old man fires up a smoke the boy again asks if he can have one, the old man again asks does your prick touch your ass? The boy says no sir, well then there is your answer says the old man. On the ride home they again stop at the store, this time the old man buys a beer and a rub off lottery ticket, so the boy buys a rub off lottery ticket himself, the old man rubs his off throws it on the ground and complains that no one ever wins on these things, the boy rubs his off and starts to hoot and hollar lokk grndad I won $10,000, the old man says we going to split that 50/50 right boy,the boy asks does your prick touch your ass, the old man says well yes as a matter of fact it does, the boy then says good GO SCREW YOURSELF.

cletus 05-17-2009 06:24 PM

A women goes to her doctor and explains to him that she needs his help ,she tells the doctor that she is getting married in 3 days but her husband to be thinks she is a virgin.The doctor asks what he can do for her and she says she wants him to give her her virginity back.The doctor explains that that is impossible once its gone its gone,but he tells her of a way to fool him.He tells her that when they consimate the marriage to get in bed first and to leave her gaurder belt on when he proceeds to do the deed to pull her guarder out and let it go making a snapping sound when he asks what the noise was to tell him it was her virginty snapping.So the time comes and she does what her doctor told her to do,her husband jumps and looks into her eyes with a look of fear and asks her what that sound was she says it was my virginity snapping and her husband says well can you snap it again it has me by the balls.

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