OFFICIAL JOKE THREAD! Post your Jokes!
 

Post any good jokes here, but make sure they are funny!

A Japanese family just arrived in the United states and stays at a moderate hotel in New York. As they ride up the elevator to their suite, a gentleman gets in at the next floor.
Stunned by the beauty of the Japanese daughter, the man tries to communicate with her, only to find she speaks no English. Undeterred, the man asks the father if he could take his daughter to dinner. Having some English experience from his many business trips to the states, the father communicates to the daughter and dinner plans are made.
After dinner, they head up to his suite. Well, one thing leads to another and as he starts going at it she starts moaning "Oshima!". Believing this must mean she's getting into it, he thrusts harder and harder and she is screaming "Oshima!, Oshima!!".
The next morning, the gentleman invites the father to a round of golf, knowing how much the Japanese love the sport. On the first hole, the father tees up, and nails a hole in one. Thinking quickly, the gentleman yells out "Oshima!!".
The father, with a complexed look, turns to the man and says...

"What the hell do you mean wrong hole?!"

Santa is such an asshole.
This past Christmas I asked him for a Hummer with lots of chrome. Christmas morning I woke up find a crack whore with braces sitting on the hearth with a bow on her head.


:D

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you werent sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The mans brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess its possible he could be out there practicing law
somewhere.

In the beginning it was God and Adam and God knew that man shouldn't be alone so He decided to talk to Adam about this great idea. This is the conversation...

God: Hey Adam my only human, hows it goin?

Adam: Good I guess.

God: I've got this great idea and I want to give you a wife. This woman will do everything for you. She will clean, she will fix all your meals just the way you want them, she will give you pleasure anytime you want and will never nag, groan, or just make any negative comments whatsoever. What do you think?

Adam: Sounds awesome! Is there anything you need from me?

God: Well it will cost you an arm, an ear, a leg, and 5 ribs.

Adam: Gee, well she did sound pretty great but uh what can I get with just giving you 1 rib?

And then life with women began.

hahahah :D LOL

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running
boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said, "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"









Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four.
We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike.
Right now, he can't do none of those'.

lol those both crack me up.

An 18 year old boy and his grandfather are goin fishing,on the way to the fishing hole they stop at a store the old man buys a pack of smokes and a six pack of beer. When the old man pops the top on his first beer the boy asks ,hey grandad can I have one of those?The old man replies does your prick touch your ass? The boy says no sir, well then there is your answer says the old man. When the old man fires up a smoke the boy again asks if he can have one, the old man again asks does your prick touch your ass? The boy says no sir, well then there is your answer says the old man. On the ride home they again stop at the store, this time the old man buys a beer and a rub off lottery ticket, so the boy buys a rub off lottery ticket himself, the old man rubs his off throws it on the ground and complains that no one ever wins on these things, the boy rubs his off and starts to hoot and hollar lokk grndad I won $10,000, the old man says we going to split that 50/50 right boy,the boy asks does your prick touch your ass, the old man says well yes as a matter of fact it does, the boy then says good GO SCREW YOURSELF.

A women goes to her doctor and explains to him that she needs his help ,she tells the doctor that she is getting married in 3 days but her husband to be thinks she is a virgin.The doctor asks what he can do for her and she says she wants him to give her her virginity back.The doctor explains that that is impossible once its gone its gone,but he tells her of a way to fool him.He tells her that when they consimate the marriage to get in bed first and to leave her gaurder belt on when he proceeds to do the deed to pull her guarder out and let it go making a snapping sound when he asks what the noise was to tell him it was her virginty snapping.So the time comes and she does what her doctor told her to do,her husband jumps and looks into her eyes with a look of fear and asks her what that sound was she says it was my virginity snapping and her husband says well can you snap it again it has me by the balls.

What did the Ford Explorer say to the Dodge Ram?
Well, I don't know, but if you hear trucks talking,
ya might wanna go sit in the shade a bit.


Ok, There's these four young, strong, tall athletic men. There of them walk into a bar and fall on the floor. The fourth ducks.

Little boys first time
 

A little boy was out behind the barn playin with his self when he got off its never happend to the boy so it scared him he ran inside screaming daddy daddy I was out behind the barn playing with my self when something shot out of it all over a rock his daddy said ah son dont worry about that thats where babies come from little boy says really and run back out behind the barn and there was a buul frog sittin on the rock boy looks and says you a ugly little bastard but its ok daddy still loves ya.:D

Haha, "Daddy still loves ya."

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup.

Anyone can roast beef; but no one can pee soup. :D

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an
Oxygen mask over his mouth and nose still heavily sedated
from a difficult, four hour surgical procedure.

A young nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles
black?"

Very surprised and somewhat embarrassed, the young nurse
replies, "I don't know Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper
body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from worrying about
his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly
pulls back the sheets. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and carefully takes his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around; she examines them closely and then gently replaces his gown and sheets.

She reassuringly tells the man, "Sir, there's nothing wrong
with them."

With great difficulty and pain, the man slowly reaches up and
pulls off his oxygen mask. With an unusually contented smile,
he says "Thank you very much. That was wonderful! But listen
to me very, very closely.""ARE-MY-TEST-RESULTS-BACK?"

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.


An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'


Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too . Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that.. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty .'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Hahahah You got some good ones Shamrock!

Guy walks into a bar and sits down. he looks up at the board for todays special: onion soup 2.99 ham sandwhich 4.99 chix sandwhich 6.99 and hand jobs 20. So the guy calls the bartender and says " hey you the one giving the hand jobs?" bartender goes "yea" guy replies " ok do me a favor go wash your hands and get me a chix sandwhich"

REAL 911 Calls!







BELIEVE it or not
These are Nashville, TN 's





REAL 911 Calls!

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I' m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

Hahaha! LOL

Fired from Wal-Mart
 

After landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day....
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.':eek::D

whats the speed limit of sex?..........68 once you hit 69 you have to turn around

Blondes Are The Best!!!
>
> A blonde and her husband are lying in bed
> Listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
> It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
> The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
> "I've had enough of this".
> She goes downstairs.
>
> The blonde finally comes back up to bed
> And her husband says "The dog is still barking,
> What have you been doing?"
>
> The blonde says,
> "I put the dog in our backyard,
> let's see how THEY like it!
>
>
> ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> Two
> Blondes With Hammers...
>
> Roz and Gloria were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity
> House. Roz was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail
> Pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it
> In.
>
> Gloria, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you
> Throwing those nails away?'
> Roz explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of
> Them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'
> Gloria got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't
> Defective! They're for the other side of the house!'
>
> +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in
> movie?
>
> They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
>
> +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> You might have to think twice about this one.
>
> A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip
> Of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency
> Room doctor asked her.
>
> 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
>
> 'What?' sputtered the doctor.
> 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting Off your finger?'
>
> 'No,
> Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and
> Then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants..
>
> I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
>
> 'So then?' asked the doctor.
>
> 'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid
> $3,000.00
> To get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
>
> 'So then?'
>
> 'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a
> Loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled
> the Trigger.
>
> ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
> A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
> Hailstorm..
> Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
> To a repair shop. Theshop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
> Decided to have some fun.. He told her to go home and blow into the
> Tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
>
> So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
> Blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little
> Harder, and still nothing happened.
>
> Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first
> Blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
> Tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
> The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello!
> You need to roll up the windows first..'
>
> +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>
>
> A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver
> Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took
> It to the clerk to ask what it was.
>
> The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... It
> keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'
>
> 'Wow, said the blonde,
> 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she
> Bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
>
> Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
>
> 'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things
> Cold,' she replied..
>
> Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
>
> The blond replied..... ...'Two popsicles and some
> coffee.'

Well after reading all this post i must say this is a nice thread to share all the experience

A man is driving down a country road. He rounds a corner and behind a barn he sees a man getting it on with a sheep. He is shocked and incensed and turns down the driveway towards the house. He bangs on the door and a young boy comes out and asked what the problem is. The man tells him that a man is having sex with a sheep behind the barn. The boy quickly says, "No, No...it's okay, that's just my daaaaaaaad."

A little boy was out behind the barn playin with his self when he got off its never happend to the boy so it scared him he ran inside screaming daddy daddy I was out behind the barn playing with my self when something shot out of it all over a rock his daddy said ah son dont worry about that thats where babies come from little boy says really and run back out behind the barn and there was a buul frog sittin on the rock boy looks and says you a ugly little bastard but its ok daddy still loves ya

I just read this it awesome. great jokes and i am so sorry at this point of time i am not remembering an joke. i ll surely check at post it in future.

What's small, green and smells like Bacon???

Kermit the Frog's hand!


Why did Hellen Keller crash her car??

Because shes a woman!!!

A middle aged man had recently purchased his first porsche. While banging through the gears and hitting triple digit speeds he had noticed a state trooper flipping on his lights and taking chase. He thinks to himself, this is a german hotrod I could outrun him. After about 6 miles he decides he was too old for this nonsense and pulls over. The cop walked up to the car and said, "I'll give you one chance, if you can give me an excuse that I have never heard, I might give you a break" He sits for a moment.......... "Well, my wife left me for a cop just last week and I thought you were trying to bring her back!" He let him go.:D

What did one dog say to another?

"wanna bone?"

Once there were four business men. They were sitting on a bench in a hospital waiting room because their wives were having babies.

A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had 1 baby."

The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the president of And1!"

The nurse goes away.

Then the nurse comes back and says to the second businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!"

The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the owner of the Minnesota Twins!"

The nurse goes away.

The nurse comes back and says to the third businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had triplets!"

The man says, "What a coincidence! I work for Triple Crown!"

The nurse goes away.

The nurse comes back and sees the fourth businessman alone on the bench crying.

She asks, "Why are you crying"?

The man replies, "I work for Seven Up"!!

Jajajajaja

Nice jokes , even nice thread, here is one more joke:
Ques: what is snake's favorite subject?
Ans: Hiss..tory.

This past Christmas I asked him for a Hummer with lots of chrome.

HA HA HA

these two made me laugh!

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"

"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."

a sheep's favourite subject....MAAAAth.

After GOD made Adam he looked at his creation and thought to himself ''Maybe I can do better'' so he ripped a rib from Adams side and Shazam made Eve. He looked at her, then took a step back, then took an other step back, then shook his head and said '' Ah she'll wear make-up''

LOL, the God and adam's joke is funny I really made me laugh LOL