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OFFICIAL JOKE THREAD! Post your Jokes!

  #11  
Old 06-07-2009, 01:12 AM
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What did the Ford Explorer say to the Dodge Ram?
Well, I don't know, but if you hear trucks talking,
ya might wanna go sit in the shade a bit.


Ok, There's these four young, strong, tall athletic men. There of them walk into a bar and fall on the floor. The fourth ducks.
 
  #12  
Old 06-21-2009, 08:59 PM
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Default Little boys first time

A little boy was out behind the barn playin with his self when he got off its never happend to the boy so it scared him he ran inside screaming daddy daddy I was out behind the barn playing with my self when something shot out of it all over a rock his daddy said ah son dont worry about that thats where babies come from little boy says really and run back out behind the barn and there was a buul frog sittin on the rock boy looks and says you a ugly little bastard but its ok daddy still loves ya.
 
  #13  
Old 07-14-2009, 01:50 PM
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Originally Posted by bigblue81 View Post
A little boy was out behind the barn playin with his self when he got off its never happend to the boy so it scared him he ran inside screaming daddy daddy I was out behind the barn playing with my self when something shot out of it all over a rock his daddy said ah son dont worry about that thats where babies come from little boy says really and run back out behind the barn and there was a buul frog sittin on the rock boy looks and says you a ugly little bastard but its ok daddy still loves ya.
Haha, "Daddy still loves ya."
 
  #14  
Old 07-17-2009, 04:05 AM
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What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup.

Anyone can roast beef; but no one can pee soup.
 
  #15  
Old 07-17-2009, 03:28 PM
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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an
Oxygen mask over his mouth and nose still heavily sedated
from a difficult, four hour surgical procedure.

A young nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my *********
black?"


Very surprised and somewhat embarrassed, the young nurse
replies, "I don't know Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper
body and feet."


He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my ********* black?"


Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from worrying about
his *********, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly
pulls back the sheets. She raises his gown, holds his ***** in one hand and carefully takes his ********* in the other, lifting and moving them around; she examines them closely and then gently replaces his gown and sheets.

She reassuringly tells the man, "Sir, there's nothing wrong
with them."

With great difficulty and pain, the man slowly reaches up and
pulls off his oxygen mask. With an unusually contented smile,
he says "Thank you very much. That was wonderful! But listen
to me very, very closely."
"ARE-MY-TEST-RESULTS-BACK?"
 
  #16  
Old 07-17-2009, 03:30 PM
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Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.



An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'


Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too . Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that.. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty .'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
 
  #17  
Old 07-21-2009, 08:43 AM
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Hahahah You got some good ones Shamrock!
 
  #18  
Old 07-29-2009, 10:35 PM
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during the presidential campaign, Obama and McCain are sitting in the same barber shop getting there hair cut at the same time, the two barbers trying not to make things awkward between the two men simply keep there mouths shut and continue cutting hair. the first barber finishes up and asks Obama if he would like a splash of cologne, Obama replies, "no thanks I donít want my wife to think Iíve been in a ***** house." the second barber finishes up and asks McCain if he cares for a splash of cologne McCain replies "sure.... My wife doesnít know what a ***** house smells like!"
 
  #19  
Old 07-30-2009, 02:05 PM
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Guy walks into a bar and sits down. he looks up at the board for todays special: onion soup 2.99 ham sandwhich 4.99 chix sandwhich 6.99 and hand jobs 20. So the guy calls the bartender and says " hey you the one giving the hand jobs?" bartender goes "yea" guy replies " ok do me a favor go wash your hands and get me a chix sandwhich"
 
  #20  
Old 07-31-2009, 07:06 AM
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REAL 911 Calls!







BELIEVE it or not
These are Nashville, TN 's





REAL 911 Calls!

Dispatcher :
9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher:
Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher:
9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher :
Excuse me?
Caller :
I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller :
No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!


Dispatcher:
9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I' m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher:
This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher:
Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller:
No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher:
9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: !
Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.



 

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