The C.O.'s Morning Briefing:

The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about
to start the morning briefing to his Staff and Battalion and Company
Commanders.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided
to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been
a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of
sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work'
and how much of it was 'pleasure?'

The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

The Colonel's Aide, a Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure,
depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC who was in
charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

With no hesitiation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100%
pleasure."

The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, Sir," began the PFC, "if there was any work involved, the
officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

 

Two Funeral protesters wearing their funeral protesting shirts boarded a flight out of Kansas City. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the Protester in the window seat said, "I need to get up and
get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for
you."

As soon as he left, one of the protesters picked up the Marines shoe and spat in
it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other protestor said, "That looks
good, I'd really like one, too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other protester picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat
in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the
plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew
immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on?
This fighting between us because of what we each believe in? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?" When will it end?

 

Three Marines, a Pvt, a LCpl, and a Sgt find a beautiful bottle in the middle of the desert. The Pvt picks up the bottle and a genie pops out saying, "You have released me, and I will grant each of you one wish."

The Pvt thinks for a second, then says, "I've been stuck here for eight months and the food is TERRIBLE! I want to get out of here and get a good meal." *poof* The genie sends him on his way.

The LCpl tells the genie, "That's a good idea. I've been eating sand in my food for months and I'd love a good meal. I want to get out of here and have a steak!" *poof* The genie sends him on his way.

The Sgt scowls, and picks up the bottle. The genie looks at him waiting, and then finally asks what he would like. The Sgt looks at him and says, "I want those two Marines back from chow by 1300."

 

An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young,
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?
Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, It looks
like you have seen a lot of action.
Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?
1955, ma'am.
Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to relax him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice, I hope not, it's only 2130 now.

 

I like this joke. very naughty joke. i'll try this one.LOL I think i need that watch.

 

Pullin out the stops on the little johnny jokes


The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Judy. Aunt Judy was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Judy when she's been drinking."








Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.

So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment."

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said - "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."







The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnnie.

"Well I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

 

An American is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad moo d): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bub! ble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states."

After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: " Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you 've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France .

 

LOL